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Remaking Remakes: Next Logical Step? January 11, 2010

Hollywood is a strange beast.  It’s kind of like an abusive relationship.  Just when they regain our trust with District 9 , they decide that we need a 3D sequel to Jackass (no, I’m not joking).  They may as well tie us to the radiator and leave us there with a couple of scoops of dog food while they go to Maui for vacation.

STAY DOWN

The paradigm may be shifting in nuanced manners as the traditional means of production keep shifting more and more into the hands of the fans and those with actual passion for storytelling, but for every Paranormal Activity there is a senseless remake that can really wake you up in a cold sweat.  I’m specifically referring to this preposterous and ill-conceived remake of Death at a Funeral.

Stunning, really.

The fine folks at Sony and Screen Gems have reached a new unbelievable level of arrogance with this one.  Not only have they decided to remake a film that no one desired but this time they didn’t even bother to go to Japan, Korea or some other Asian country with lax intellectual property laws.  They just took a British comedy and whored it into this monstrosity of a film.  Granted, no one has seen it yet but lets take a look at the facts.
If you’ve seen the original Death at a Funeral you know how goddamn funny it is, this was not lost on the folks at Screen Gems.  In fact, it was so clear to them that they decided to not even try and write new jokes, characters or add any sort of original ideas to the film’s premise.  Watch this trailer and tell me I’m wrong.  They lifted every. fucking. joke. and are undoubtedly going to laugh in their armchairs with their glasses of scotch and Cuban cigars as they watch the box office numbers pour in.

STUDIO EXEC: Hey, the whole mean old man taking a dump scene was funny.  How do we take that and reinvent it?

WRITER: We cast Danny Glover and Tracy Morgan.

STUDIO EXEC: This is why I leave the creativity to you guys, where do you get this shit?!

Hollywood has a proud tradition of brutalizing every remake opportunity they stumble across with a couple of exceptions, but the flagrancy of this one is just unbelievable.  They didn’t even bother to recast the dwarf character for the remake, they just cast Peter Dinklage in the same fucking role.  I don’t blame him for taking the paycheck or any of the other talented performers that Neil Labute coerced into this thing, I am just flabbergasted at how outrageous it is that Hollywood is grasping so desperately at straws that they aren’t even bothering to covertly steal their material anymore.

Ever heard of The Asylum?  They have absolutely no delusions about what they do.  They make shameless and really inadequately budgeted knock offs of Hollywood blockbusters that go direct to video such as Transmorphers, The Da Vinci Treasure, and Snakes on a Train. I doubt you’ll hear these asshats talking about the cast’s chemistry and improvisational talents.  They cast Lance Henriksen, go to a foreign country and hire some unemployed special effects students to finish the things days before their target’s theatrical release.  These guys I’ve got respect for.  Sure, they’re exploiting stupid video buyers and renters whom aren’t willing to put in even the most rudimentary research, but at least they are giving us a laugh at Hollywood’s expense in the process.

Also, they are employing C. Thomas Howell and that is a legitimate business plan in any language.